Men & Women

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road
from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman
leans out the window and yells "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "B**CH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the
next curve he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen....

The Cat Test

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. The teacher
asked if it was dead or alive. "Dead," she was informed.
"How do you know?", she asked.
"Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," said the child
innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he
didn't move."

Birch or Beech 
Son of a . . . ????

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them.
The beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a
son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of
a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies,
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!

The Classified Ads

... So this lady is having the worst luck with men: just can't find a decent guy no matter how she tries.  She decides to place an ad in the paper and requests only three things from a potential boyfriend: 1) He doesn't beat me.  2) He doesn't leave me.  3) He's good in bed.  Well... weeks pass and no response to her ad.  Then there's a knock on the door "knock!  Knock!  KNOCK!"  She answers the door and sees a guy sitting there with no arms or legs.  She's bewildered and asks what he wants.  He says, "I'm here about the ad you placed."  Still caught off guard, the lady thinks and remembers the ad and says, "ok, now I understand."  The man replies "and I'm perfect for the position because I have no arms so I'll never beat you and I have no legs so I'll never leave you."  The lady thinks a second and recalls the third qualification and says "what about being good in bed?"  The guy answers "how do you think I knocked on the door?"

Go forth and multiply?

A young Christian woman married and had 13 children.
Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher began his eulogy thanking by the Lord above for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply." He praised her for each of the loving relationships with each of her husbands. To end his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together."
Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked:
"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The neighbor replied, "I think he means her legs."

The Gay Flight Attendant

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,
who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the
plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the
passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the
big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays
that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that
a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you
didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo
so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her
head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country,
I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch."

The Mole Family

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,
"Yum! ! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole,
sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!" The baby mole tries to stick
his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles
are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell
is...MOLASSES!!

Lifesavers

Gordon was doing a study testing the senses of first
graders using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began to say;
"Red...................cherry",
"Yellow..............lemon",
"Green................lime",
"Orange..............orange"

Finally Gordon gave them all honey lifesavers.

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue, it's what your mother may call your father at times."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled:
"Oh My God!!!! Spit them out! They're assholes!!!'
 

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